Joss Whedon - Philosopher

 

Not the Strangest Thing I've Seen Today

Exclusive iPhone 5 Picture Released in Japan

Fuck For Japan

Get Some God Damn Self Esteem!

I think this is an offer. Is it? Please? Which one of you will eff me off?

Wrong Fucking Book Store?

Waterpark Fun

Happy Moter's Day

I'm not sure what Moter's Day is. Is it a day to celebrate motors? Like a motorcycle or a motorboat? What are we supposed to do for it? Give them some new oil or a tune-up? Let them take the day off or use them more? What's next Robot Day? Vacuum Day? Lawnmower Day?

Oh and don't worry about giving my regards to your Mom. I gave it too her over and over and over again last night. 

WJZ Baltimore Website Is Run By Morons

The.Worst. News. Website. Ever! I've never been to Baltimore. I never want to go. But in my relentless pursuit of cyberstalking Asians, I found 2 hot ones on the same news program. And one of them is from HI. And will be making an appearance here soon. The problem is that the website is run by a bunch of fucking morons! Here's what you will see on a typical day -

And surprise! surprise! When it does work, the video reloads automatically every five minutes. So once you find a video you want to watch, you have to sit through a 30 second ad. Then, if you pause to get a beverage or rub one out, it will reload itself and you'll have to start all over again! I mean how effing hard can it be to stop the entire site from reloading every five minutes? KHNL figured it out using the exact same software. And Hawaii isn't exactly Silicon Valley if you know what I mean.

Here's another awesome feature on this shitty website. Find a link. Click it. It doesn't exist. Change the date in the URI and wala! it works-

 

I was going to highlight the 08 and the 09 in the link, but I was too lazy. Look at it yourself. I did a search and clicked on the link. It took me to the top page. Then I fixed it myself and it worked. Amazing how that is. I could edit this website for them. But unfortunately, I have slightly more than an elementary school education. (Contrary to that stripper's belief.)
AND, this petri dish of a website uses the incredibly customizable Google custom search. Yet it doesn't work well. And they didn't customize it. You can't even sort by date. Or relevance. Or anything. Sort? What is this sort you talk of? I don't think the internet can do that. Sorting doesn't work with the internet. Just like Linux. It doesn't work with the internet you know. I seriously made a better website 20 years ago. When I took a class in HTML at the YMCA. And got it hosted at CompuServe. I would be embarrassed to manage this website. And the worst thing is companies are actually paying to advertise with this crappy crap crap site. I hope they don't pay much. That kind of poor decision making and paying for such a inferior product makes me want to go shop at the competition. Too bad I have to visit the site daily to get my Asian news reporting fix. And that's why I will never visit Baltimore. Your junk site, and their lack of quality control have lost tourism dollars. Dicks.

I'm Lovin It?

I really have to give it to McDonald's. Not many companies can serve shit and have almost no nutritional value yet have billions and billions served. I guess drugs can do that. And Christianity. And tobacco. So on a list of things that are addictive and usually end up in war and death, I guess McDonald's is slightly below opium. At least the customer service is getting better. Once I got a Big Mac that went bun-meat-bun-bun-meat. I'm not a graduate of McDonald's University or even elementary school, but I do know that's not how it's supposed to go. I think a small child could do a better job of making a burger. The sad thing is there was probably someone in the back laughing to themselves thinking how funny it would be to send out a Big Mac with the meat on the bottom. More likely though - some jackass doesn't know up from down, but they can get hired at McDonald's when someone like me is labeled as over-qualified! I'll get you for that Ray Croc. Anyway, here's the grumble. I specifically asked for no pickle and no onion. I told them point blank I can't eat them. They give me gas. When I got the burger, they confirmed no pickle and no onion with a gentle "Sie" And here is what I got.

What's the secret? No matter how shitty their service is, I'll still eat it. Just because they have a fancy clown and a purple piece of poop, and a hamburger that is a thief. And I used to get a toy every time I went there. Like a little piece of Hanukkah with better presents and food! And that is the key to the drug trade. Give them toys and treat them like shit.

Dell Can Suck My Unwashed Balls!

Back to the point of this blog. Bitching about things. I was going to bitch about HP and AT&T. Both companies have customer service agents that can read a script slightly better than a one-eyed jack, and speak English slightly better than a West Virginia hillbilly. Sadly, I have to stay with AT&T, at least until Verizon gets the iPhone. That damn Steve Jobs and his iPhone. It's like a drug. It's like crack. It's worse. I can't go 5 minutes without it. Believe me. I used to do crack. Anyway, point being AT&T's customer service can't make any changes without totally fucking up your plan. I wonder how they change their pants.

Back to Dell. They are the latest on my piss list. I've been looking at buying a Dell mini 10v. Not because it's cool or anything. Just because I want something small that I can run Hackintosh on. (Damn that Steve Jobs.) Apparently, the Dell mini is good fit. The current version only has a 0.3 megapixel camera. And it's about twice the price of a refurbished mini 10v. And they have a 15% discount that is good until tomorrow. So it seemed like all the stars were lined up. I ordered one on Black Friday. It got canceled. I did spend some time looking for more coupons and trying to find a credit card that wasn't maxed out yet, so I figured it was my fault. I logged into the site daily, and after a while, they finally had some in stock again! I ordered again. It was canceled again! I tried it again on the next stock. CANCELED! Look at my inbox here -

I order different laptops 5 effing times! Canceled 5 effing times! Finally, I decided to call them and figure out what the Sam Hill was going on. I finally got through to sales support who couldn't find any of these 5 orders. He transferred me to some bitch in the 'pines that told me she can't sell me a refurb, but she would love to sell me a new one. I explained nicely to her that I didn't want a new one, I wanted to find out what was wrong with the website. She just sat there quietly and then asked if I wanted to buy a new one!?! It was like talking to the housekeeping lady at a motel! I asked her why the website posts the mini as available, I can check out, and then hours later I get canceled. She said it was a marketing error. And there is no way for me to buy a mini 10v. But she can sell me a new 1018. I started asking for someone that can resolve this and she hung up. 

I figured - screw them. The same models that I bought this morning were on the website again when she "lost the call" Another funny thing - she took down my cell phone in case the line dropped. I wonder why she never called back.  Probably because she is a bitch. Or maybe she couldn't figure out how to call the US from her rotary phone. Or maybe she figured out I wasn't going to buy a new computer and she wasn't going to get her .03 cents commission. Or maybe because Dell doesn't give a shit about anyone. Or maybe because she was a bitch. 

So Dell  can blow me. And Asus can suck me. HP can try a little DP if I've had enough to drink. I'm running out of computer manufacturers here. Lenovo? Sony? Acer? Gateway? Tandy? I'm going to find an old Dell at work and smash it Office Space style. And send the video to Michael Dell. With a picture of my unshorn balls for him to suck. Or play with. Or shave. It's up to him. That's the only way I'll ever buy another Dell. The ball is in your court Mr Dell. Pun intended.

Balls On Chin

I know the Japanese are into a lot of crazy ass shit, but I don't think they have a clear grasp on the idea of balls on chin yet -

Free on Amazon - Spell Checking!

This is better than the Arby's mistake a few months ago - Amazon doesn't even have a storefront, every single person looking at the hairy gold box is going to see this mistake. At least for the next hour or so....

I'll get one for each member of my fmaily.

High Fashion

At least someone understands the importance of seafood in fashion.

That Was Yesterday

Thanks again Google Translate!

Two Girls One Fifa World Cup

I watched a few minutes of the Brazil (or Brasil in some circles) World Cup soccer match today. Not because I'm one of those douchebags that suddenly wear green and yellow for a few days every 4 years, and try to recite the different versions of Ronalds on their team, but because I was skipping out on work and didn't want to Judge Judy, or Judge Alex, or Judge Reinhold, or Judge Mint. The game was very informative, not only is the Brazil team effing awesome, but I also learned there is a North Korea. I always thought Korea was like California, were there is a North and a South, and they hate each other, but they were still the same state, or country, or prefecture. The best part about the game - North Korea is refered to as Korea DPR. I've met many, many dirty birdies from Korea and they all love the DP, so I guess it's very fitting. And when did the ESPN announcers start speaking a foreign language? It seemed like English but it was not. Time for me to go celebrate Korea's loss by donkey punching some dirty Korean birds....

ASUS Support Is Full Of Asses

Not asses like assholes, but asses like donkeys. And not the good kind that you would see in a show in Mehico or certain parts of Alabama. I could have gotten better service from a robot or a recording. Here's the short version.
I bought the Asus EB1006B from Amazon. It has wireless N, ATI video, HDMI out, some other cool stuff, and comes with a wireless keyboard/mouse, and a VESA mount kit. Seems like a perfect way to watch RedTube on my HDTV. It comes with 1GB of RAM and every site says it can support 2GB, so I figured for a great porn viewing experience, I better get more RAM.
It showed up and I pulled it out with my RAM in hand ready to upgrade, but ah, wait a minute....there's no window to open, no easy pop-off slide or anything. There are 4 screws on the bottom. 2 of them hold in the HDD. I'm glad they made that so easy to remove since ALL my storage is remote. I pulled out the other 2 screws and they did nothing. Am I supposed to slide it open? Do I have to pry it open? Are there some load bearing screws under some stickers? I decided to Google it because someone has to have a tutorial online. Nothing. I went to ASUSTek.com because I figured they might have something. They only have 3 entries total for the EB1006. So I decided to take advantage of my 1 year of free support and email them. I just wanted a quick document, a .pdf, or even a slideshow. They replied that I need to call support or send it in to a service center. The damn thing only cost $250, $300 with the RAM. I'm not about to pay to send it in to get them to do something my grandma can do if they designed it right in the first place.
So I called the support line listed in the email. I finally got through to someone and was told it was the wrong department. They at least transferred me. The next guy sounded like he want to practice speaking English more than support me. It took him 10 minutes to get the serial number from me. There were so many numbers on the box, and none of them had any S/N in front of them.
I told him what was up and his reply was that I need to leave the box as it is or I will void my warranty. I asked why it is advertised as upgradable to 2GB then - isn't that deceptive advertising? His reply changed a little, now he understands my concern, but any change will void my warranty. I told him I didn't care, just tell me how to do it. "Any change will void my warranty." So if I install MS Office, or Java, or Firefox isn't that considered a change? What if I format the drive and install Linux instead of the shit they call Windows XP that it came with? "Any change will void the warranty." Let me talk to the management then...or will even a change in support void my warranty? Oh shit! I already got transferred from the last person, so much for my warranty!
Several days later I got an email survey from ASUS. I usually try to be nice on those surveys, but that guy can go suck an egg.

Anyway, I decided to just tear the thing apart. If the case got damaged a little, it didn't matter since it was going to be mounted to my TV anyway. For those of you that like to Google stuff before you do stuff, here is:

How to upgrade the RAM on an ASUS Eee Box EB1006-

1. Unscrew the 4 screws on the bottom. I pulled out the HDD just for kicks.
2. Lay the box on it's side with all the stickers facing down.
3. Take something flat, a screwdriver, guitar pick, hammerhead shark, and slide it gently in the corner above the screws. I used this blue thing that came with a toolset I got for $1 from China.

4. Slide it across slowly around the border.

5. TA-DA! Here is the RAM compartment I was looking for. Unscrew the screw and swap out the RAM as
usual.

6. Call ASUS support at 1-888-678-3688 and tell them to suck an egg. They may transfer you to the egg sucking department who will tell you it will void your warranty.

Google Wins My Heart Again

I know that Google is based out of California, but it looks like a majority of their users are from the South. Here's the proof -


Those are the top 3 questions I was looking to get an answer to, except I don't have a sister, or a boyfriend, or a birth certificate...Thanks Google Suggests!

I Love The Internet!

Now this is service! Not only do they thank me for downloading ass, they give me a link back to the ass. If only every company was this attentive. (Do you hear me HP? Or Best Buy? I'm talking to you. Jackasses.)


And here is the worst spam of the week. I usually open all of my spam and click on all the links, because if someone cares enough to write a script to have a bot send ME something, they deserve to have their poor grammar looked at. Initially, I thought the domain was "wearscock.com" but they weren't that witty I guess.

Japan Is Number 2

Japan is a whole country with an inferiority complex. They steal all these ideas from us and try to make them better. We give them the TV, they make a projector. We give them a VCR, they make a Blu-Ray player. (And shouldn't it be an Aoi-Ray player if it is truly Japanese?)

Today I've found their latest trend, *surprisingly in the porn field. (*Surprising since Japan never has anything to do with kinky, strange, fetish, porn or anything like that...)

We give them the skull fuck, they come back with the eye blow! Behold!









I'm still not too sure what an eye blow is, but I'm sure it has something to do with a pencil and a sick, sick, manga filled mind.

At least they know they will always be number 2. At least that's why all the girls hold up 2 fingers in every picture they take.

Dr Placenta

Once I was in Hawaii. Or at least I was dreaming about Jarah Mariano in Hawaii with me. Point of the story is I took this Whale Watching cruise. It was more like Denny's on the ocean, but the waffles were better, and the only whales I saw were the tourists on the cruise with me. (Zing!) Anyway, they had this human looking whale talking about the ocean living whales and she kept talking about the whale's placenta! Now I'm no scientist like that handsome Tom Cruise, but the last place I want to hear about any placenta is during my breakfast! Pointless story short, it looks like Japan is now selling placenta for those that can't get enough of it during their breakfast. Don't ask me what it is or what it's used for, all I can tell you is it's no substitute for maple syrup.

Donkey Show?

So while shopping for my girlfriend, doing research on the web, looking for porn, I found this nice picture of a horse. With a girl standing next to it in a bra and panties! Why would any company take a shot like this? Is this supposed to make girls buy this underwear? Do cowgirls think “That girl is wearing her underwear near the horse so maybe I should start doing that”? Or are they targeting a very specific group of female dancers that work below the border? And by below the border I mean Mexico. Not that dirty place your mind is in. Hmmph!